Test drive

[bravidiocy]

"You said I have nothing. You are wrong. I have love, I have hope, and I have faith. These things are not weaknesses. They make me what I am."

"And what's that?"

"An exorcist."

Comments

Re: for Raleigh

[wentnuclear]

Similarly to Tomas, the man standing just inside the storage room chapel is not the same person he knew five years ago. Raleigh Becket had been very young and extremely eager, a little cocky, and far too reckless. He'd never thought they could lose, not him and his brother, the golden boys. And without Yancy, he'd just been broken and untethered -- his big brother was always his anchor, his compass, better at everything and the one who ultimately made the decisions. The five years since Knifehead killed Yancy and ripped a hole in his psyche he still hadn't begun to mend had revealed a deeper problem than just the damage to his body and mind. Raleigh didn't really know who he was. He had nothing to live for. He'd crawled along the wall as the war waged on, as humanity slowly lost, his existence reduced to ration tickets and endless workouts and the droning of foreign language courses.

He feels a little different today, the past few days, having decided to come back. Still hollow inside, he's always empty, missing that piece, but... the wall was hopeless, everyone working it knew so, just something to do even if it didn't matter. This might matter. If he dies, he dies, so be it, but he'll die in a Jaeger, fighting. Like his brother. And for some reason, that hint of purpose digs up a lot of regret. But different regrets from usual. What he'd done five years ago after that battle, how he hadn't managed to summon even this tiny bit of fight on his own. How he'd shut down and been discharged. On the flight back Stacker had briefed him on who was still with the program, and several familiar names buzzed around in Raleigh's head the rest of the trip. People he should catch up on, and in one specific case, apologize to. He barely remembered what Tomas had said to him, back then. When he'd still been in recovery, when they were sending therapists and counselors, before they'd realized he was a lost cause. He just remembered he hadn't wanted to hear it.

A sheepish smile curves Raleigh's mouth, not exactly happily. He doesn't stand quite as tall as he used to, and despite having dropped his belongings and grabbed a quick shower and changed into PPDC issued cargos and a nice new sweater, he still looks sort of mussed. There's windburn on his cheeks from working top of the wall in winter, and the chin he doesn't tilt up as high anymore has a touch of blond stubble. "Father Tomas. It's been a long time... I was surprised to hear you were still with the program."

[bravidiocy]

"There was still work to be done here, people who need me." He says, a smile softening the weary edge from his features. "Even if Rome doesn't seem to think so." There was a stack of letters on his desk that said as much. He was running out of time where he could claim his collar in good faith. When that happened he would still do everything in his power to help the people around him but he would do it as a man and not a priest. Seeing Raleigh standing there, alive and with a light in his eyes is a relief after seeing him looking so broken in the wake of everything with Yancy.

Living is often the hardest choice to make.

"It is good to see you again." And it is, truly. In Anchorage Raleigh had been wounded in the worst possible way. Everything he said had been soaked in grief and anger and if lashing out had helped then it was well worth it. "Would you like a cup of coffee? It isn't very good, but it has caffeine."

[wentnuclear]

...well that stings a little. Raleigh knows full well Tomas didn't mean it like that, didn't phrase it that way to reflect badly on him for leaving, but it does poke the wound. In the end, he'd chosen to prioritize his own pain over that of the entire world's. Maybe he's being too hard on himself. Even coming back now, he's worried about drifting again for reasons besides selfish ones, besides not wanting to let someone else in his head. He might just be too broken to manage it. You need to be steady going in. If he's too lost in his own pain, his new partner will be too. And yes, that's on him for not dealing, not healing, but.

He sighs, shaking himself out of those thoughts. But they are another reminder that he hadn't actually been left to his own devices. People had tried, they just didn't know how. There was no therapy guide for people who felt their drift partner die in their head and had to live with it after. It just simply didn't happen. But they'd tried. Tomas had tried. Raleigh braces himself a little, manning up.

"Same. And no, thank you... never touch the stuff anymore." He shifts his weight, hooking his thumbs into his belt just to have somewhere to put his hands. "I just wanted to apologize. For Anchorage. It's honestly kind of a blur but I know I was a real jerk back then when you just wanted to help. I'm sorry."

[bravidiocy]

Raleigh's apology is unexpected in the best way, surprise flashing across his face for just a moment. It took bravery to say that and the ability to set aside pride in order to get out something that must have been profoundly uncomfortable to own up to. Brave and... completely unnecessary in Tomas's eyes.

He shakes his head. "You don't need to apologize. You... you were in a very painful place, one that I cannot ever imagine being in." Tomas knows deep down that if something happened to his sister, to his nephew he would not be rational. To lose a brother while his mind was so deeply connected was a horror he wished on no one. "I'm just happy to see you back." He hadn't dared to check up on Raleigh over the years out of selfish fear that he might find something he couldn't bear.